Fake New Years (dash dash) Goals

These are real goals, but the real new year is March 21st, in Spring.

Its that time of year where those of us who are “self-improvement” junkies revel in our goal setting and vision boards. I have to put myself in this category because I have been like this as far back as I can remember.

I have never NOT been on some kind of fix myself crusade. It caused me to be naturally drawn to Christianity as a child.

I loved reading the Proverbs in the bible in the 7th grade. (which is fucking weird for a pre-teen)

I used to get up early– ( I thought I was so grown up) I would get up around 4:30 am when it was still dark out. Get the first hot shower in my crazy household I grew up in… sit quietly on the floor by the heater in my house in the dark winter times… I would put hazelnut creamer in my coffee and sit with a journal, and a cd player. Reading the bible, and writing was one of my most comforting things I used to do. Lamp light. Warm heaters. Hot coffee a journal and a pen. (Que sound of music… These are a few of my favorite things…)

All through school- we called these “quiet times”.

In the Christian non-denominational evangelical realm having a “quiet time” was sort of a way to virtue signal back in the 90s. (we used to always check in with each other, -my friends and I- and see if they had their quiet times) It was a way to feel superior to each other I suppose… but we called it “accountability partners”.

Looking back– I’m not sure if this is normal for a 12 or 13 year old. (it wasn’t)

By the time I was 14, I was reading books on finance, and psychology. Though, I loved the Bible the most- (Truth be told… I think most Christians who are reading their Bible every day… they do get comfort from it, yes– but more than anything– when we read ancient scripture- it makes us feel smart. )

We feel like we have some special education that is better than people who don’t know all these things. The Proverbs of the Bible are worth your time if you have never read them before– check them out.

I am not sure why I came out like this… I mean- my older sister just wanted to flirt with boys, drink beer and be accepted by her friends when she was 13… I was very different. Being the 2nd child, I got all my praise and affirmation from adults around me for being “spiritual”.

God- I was an old soul back then… but I was trapped in a prepubescent body, {tall, no breasts, flat buttocks, lanky, awkward for sure }— I was completely lost about what I wanted to be when I grew up. How to make money was the last thing I wanted to worry about. I just wanted to teach spiritual principles to people, travel, and talk about relationships. Imagine a 12 year old who thinks she is a spiritual counselor… Its like the black and white spotted dog who thinks it is a cow and runs around in the fields with the cows thinking this is who it is… Everyone around them knows that they are not that– but it does nothing for the dog with a mistaken identity.

I am still a self help junkie type. I read all the new books, I listen to the podcasts about how to achieve greatness… and in general, I have always wanted to be a better person.

Its not like I was a bad person wanting to change– but its more like just pushing myself to always be a better person. (I don’t know where I get this from?)

Better eye contact in conversations. Better listener at networking events… these type of things. Its already odd that I even go to networking events– but this is what we do when we are interested in real estate and business. We love our conferences, mixers, our trendy suits- and back then… we had pagers. Ha!

Its new years eve… and this day has always been very very sacred for me. I quiet myself down. Take a hot bath with candles, ask my guides, my higher powers, and all the angels what am I supposed to work on this next year, and how can I get closer to my long term goals?

I need to start by setting those smaller incremental goals. The ones where I just ask myself– “Marita. What are you doing today that is NOT helping you be the person you are trying to become?”

I can list 3 things right off the bat.

Alcohol.

Sugar.

And …….

Social Media.

The three big ones. How many of us – raise your hand— are trying to take something out of your life… so that you can have room for the new habits and practices you want to bring into your life?

I think these are the easiest three to have at the top of your list. Its funny because most of the world is getting wasted this evening.– Everyone is in “celebration” mode. But what are you celebrating? Did you do everything you set out to do– and now you get rewarded? Is this why we party on new years eve? What is there to celebrate about I wonder?

I have made a lot of changes since this time last year, but I thought of these changes in November of 2023… by January of 2024 I was in the mode of making sure I had real change and forward motion on the dreams I have always had as a child. So here we are.

I made it.

Last January I was doing vision quests in my bedroom trying to dream about what in the world I could do to start meeting my life’s purpose. How can I get there? I thought of Portland, and welding, and my housing adventure. The sacrifices, and hard work I knew it would take…. and now I am here.

I am smack in the middle of learning to weld. Inching forward towards a life long skill. I wish I was naturally a skilled pianist, or an excellent wood worker, or my parents taught me how to operate a crane!! Oooo wouldn’t that be lucrative… but no. I wasn’t handed any answers as a young person.

There were no family discussions about going to school to become a doctor, or go be a lawyer– or engineer… none of that.

It was like we were all on our own. Just trying to survive. My parents were doing the same thing… just trying to make ends meet… and the kids– we were all independent– we just did the next thing we could to get through the next winter.

We worked.

Just like millions and millions of Americans working pay check to pay check to get by. No wonder we are all addicted to our phones, and our apps, and our Netflix.

So much has changed in the last 20 years.. Isn’t it strange y’all?

My 20 year old self could have never in a million years thought about what my 40 year old self is doing. How I feel now… its bizarre. I could have never come up with this plan for myself.

We make plans– and God laughs at our plans… someone recently said in a conversation…
I find this to be true. We must learn to pivot. We have to change, and grow to survive.

We didn't’ expect the divorce that came crashing into our lives.

We didn’t plan for our kids to change their gender at age 17.

We didn’t think we would find ourselves fired at age 40.

Or that the love of our life was having an affair with the neighbor …

All this stuff … it just sort of appears in our lives and we are faced with a “falling upward” as Richard Rohr puts it. We must respond or die.

And others– we decide its best to get drunk for 2 weeks, then we pull ourselves together and go to an AA meeting- and get on with the business of living. (I mostly did the get drunk for 2 weeks thing.. and move on method)

Change just comes upon us… and we pivot. Those who don’t know how to pivot– I think they fall through the cracks. They hold too tightly to things that we can’t control, we can’t control others and their behaviors. Who they love, who they sleep with… or how our boss feels about us… we can’t control so many aspects of ourselves.

The only thing we CAN control is the space between our ears. we can control the little mental game we play in our minds.

My mental game is strong. I know that I am unique in that I learned this message very early on. Somehow I figured out that I can control some aspects of my life if I can just figure out how to get the narratives in my head right.

What I think about, I bring about. What I focus on… I GET MORE OF! (read that again, and download it into your brain. Its like the law of gravity… this is how the universe works, and its the most important take away from this blog)

What you spend your time doing- becomes your landscape. Your life is a direct reflection of your choices.

As Joe Dispenza says.. Your Personality, is your Personal-Reality… and it's created by you!!

One thing I have always known is that I am responsible. Its a terrifying and self empowering thought to think that all the problems in my life– are caused by me. And equally- all the good stuff in my life is also caused by me.

We are not victims of anything. (there is such a thing as a victim, but I am not sure where that line is…the part we create, vs what “happens” to us) I can think of one moment of my life where others could easily say I was a victim… I would say though, I was a victim of my choices leading up to that experience…

When I was 27 I had a very unfortunate night where a man whom I did not know, was over at my apartment with a group of friends. A new boyfriend of one of my coworkers… and a few other casual friends. We had been doing a lot of drinking the weekend before as it was memorial day or some kind of weekend like that, and I had some left over alcohol that of course needed to be consumed. I was just coming off of an annual event we did with my motorcycle club in Texas.

***side bar, all good lesbians should ride in a motorcycle club at some point in their gay development.. Back to my story….

It was a Tuesday. We all went to a comedy show- one where I knew one of the comedians. He taught me how to ride a motorcycle… and after the show the 4 or 5 of us ended up back at my place.

Before I knew it, I was extremely intoxicated… as one does when you’re 27 and never did this kind of thing in college or high school.. (I gave myself about 5 years of this type of behavior.) I suppose in rebellion to my good girl life I had been living for so long… I had to swing to the other end just to see what it was like.

I drank. I believe we had other drugs as well. Ones I won’t mention here, in case my Dad is reading this… but let's just say it was not responsible of me.

That night I was sexually assaulted by a stranger in my own house. My friend’s friend.. whom she barely knew as well. Some guy– he is known in my journals and personal work, as “neck tattoo” guy. Because that is all I remember about him. He had neck tattoos. I didn’t know his name. Or I blocked it out. I remember he was from Indiana and he was just visiting Austin at the time.

That night I was forced into something I said ‘NO’ to about 20 times, after running from room to room trying to get away from this dude saying ‘NO’ over and over … I was finally exhausted and super drunk and I gave up. He took what he wanted- and I had to deal with the aftermath the next day.

What was my part in this? I asked myself the next day. I felt responsible. It was my fault for being so drunk that I couldn’t fight this dude off.

Its very common for “victims” to blame themselves in these scenarios … especially when there is alcohol involved.

In fact every stupid thing I have ever done, there was alcohol involved. Every regret, every bad choice, and every terrible “circumstance” that made me feel like I was a victim… happened because I did not have my wits about me.

They call it spirits for a reason. The spirit of Something, or Someone, or some Entity maybe?? This energy takes over the situation when your spiritual guard is down. Lessened.. Or softened. Our proverbial (haha proverbs) wisdom leaves the room.

Looking back a string of not so great things happened all in that week span, and these choices I made left me wondering if I had some sort of alcohol problem. I didn’t technically qualify as an alcoholic- but I knew that drinking was causing my immediate pain, so I went to my first AA meeting in Austin.

This was probably one of the best choices I had ever made. The choice to be sober is never ever ever a bad choice.

The only requirement for membership is “a desire to stop drinking”.. These are very loose requirements, so everyone who wants to stop drinking can come to AA meetings.

Over the years, I went in and out of sobriety seasons. Sometimes it would last 5 months. Sometimes it would last 15 months. I could never quite be consistent with the NEVER having a drink again thing… and in the rooms they say.. Just take it one day at a time. Today I am not going to use… such and such drug… tomorrow, I might– but today I won't. Maybe tomorrow.

My issue was– sometimes I would plan out those tomorrows… and I would use such and such… because I told myself maybe tomorrow. So that didn’t exactly work for me. However- some sobriety is way better than NONE. Right?

Now that I am in my 40’s I don’t have any kind of addictions like the drug and alcohol kind… but I do have all sorts of things I would like to stop doing.

This year, its time to write down those things. It's also a new moon, which is also a great time of the month to get yourself squared away… knowing what the purpose moving forward is, and what can be changed. What can I let go of, and what new thing can I bring in…

This next year 2025, I would like to focus on some sobriety. I don’t drink much, or regularly- but that just means that I don’t need it. So if I don’t need it- then it shouldn’t be hard to not do it. So I wont.

No more alcohol. Easy. That’s number one.

The next thing I need to change about myself is the amount, and frequency of things that contain sugar. Or turn to sugar in the body. Both alcohol and BREAD I believe turn into sugar in the body- and then it is stored as fat I think? Someone can sort me out here, but bread breaks down and acts as glucose I think.

So I am cutting out processed sugar. No more Christmas chocolates… (thank god) no more halloween candy. No more thanksgiving cookies…

I love that this month we all agree as a collective that these things we do during the “holidays” are not good for us. Imagine if we all just stopped doing this!!

Just last night, a girl in the sauna was crying about her weight, and struggles with food obsession, and how the “holidays” have caused her to have some melt downs. Some crazy food stuff goes on in the minds and hearts of most women. It's more common than rare.

Occasionally I will meet people who are not obsessed with food, or their body image.. But often if the person is under 40… no chance. They have some fucked up idea about themselves, their eating patterns, and they “struggle” with food.

Um hello!!! Its designed this way. Our food system is designed this way! They have manufactured the food we consume in the west to be addictive.

Much of what we eat over here, has chemicals and additives in it, that are illegal in Canada and in Europe… but not us over here in the states… feed it to the Americans.. They want cheap food– give them cheap food.

That is number 2. Processed sugar, and breads.

Then I have number 3. Which, honestly– this is too many. 3 things all at once for me is not a good idea. I should probably spread these three out over 3 months… if I want this to actually work.

The next big thing I would like to change is YouTube long form podcasts.

I am addicted to these. This has been going on for years. 25 minutes is the shortest… up to 3 plus hours of conversations. I am always listening to something. Some kind of podcast, or talk. Or documentary… I just listen to them. I don’t watch a lot, not during the day, at night maybe, but I don’t stare at my screen. I have managed to avoid the scroll hole of tik-tok as well as instagram. I don’t have tik-tok, and I hate the 30 second things… you have to constantly scroll and be engaged with your phone, which I don’t like. (it makes me feel like a zombie)

With youtube, I can hit play on a playlist and listen for hours until I need to charge my phone, or I am done doing whatever I was doing.

I usually use these to multitask.

I get a lot done though- so you say… what’s the problem? You’re learning… and learning is good right? Yep. I am addicted to learning things. All sorts of things.

So many things that my mind just gets cluttered with useless facts, and ideas, and it feels never ending. Information overload big time.

I was talking to a new friend in the locker room at my gym, telling her all about how I need to stop cramming so much information and “content” into my head. She was like… What are you talking about!!! I need to do more of that!! I never am learning anything new she says to me. I told her… well. Then you go do that, and I will NOT do that. You can start learning new things- stimulate your brain… and I can try to STOP stimulating my brain.

Just sitting. Thinking about nothing. The space between my ears just feels so boring. Like all these neurons and brain synapsis are reaching out for something, but its like a hungry ghost. They are arms waving in the darkness and they can’t reach what they want.

This is what silence in my mind feels like. Like somethings wrong. Something is definitely missing. What can I fill this void with? My brain just screams for SOMETHING. Anything. (as I read this again to edit … tears well up in my eyes, because this honestly is very very difficult for me.)

Sometimes I listen to so many hours of content that I start putting garbage into my brain. Like the dumbest shit… (ok not that dumb) but seriously useless ‘entertainment’ type information.

So all the 6 hours of interesting finance or real estate learning I did gets lost in the jungle of millions of other intrusive thoughts that I put there myself using this little square device in my pocket.

This cycle is maddening. I want to go back to the 90’s where it was just me, a book, or the Bible…a cd player, a pen, a journal, coffee and a heater. The time where I wrote about my thoughts. Not just cramming hours and hours of information into my mind. Its exhausting.

So this is the big number 3. As I write this- its already new years day, and its hard.

I struggle with not finding something to put on while I clean, and organize my house. I don’t know what to do with my mind. Of course I come here. I come to the computer to write- because sitting and listening to nothing feels like a withdrawal of some kind right now. The fear sets in- the questions in my mind..

Why am I doing this? And what if I can’t do it? I would be a failure, and then I’d have to wait for the next new moon, or God forbid the next NEW year if I fail at this… then I’d just procrastinate this need for change.

I have to find a big enough “why”. What is my why?. (as Simon Sinek says, and wrote about in his book, “find your why.”)

My Why is that I don’t want to clutter my brain up with so much information that I can’t make sense of anything. It can cause brain fog, and confusion. I can’t bring stories up, or anything I have learned because there is too much in there. All these facts, and stories are jumbled up just sitting on top of each other, and my mind can’t make sense of any of it.

POINTLESS. It defeats the entire purpose of learning new things. Right? Why learn new things, if you are going to sabotage those new things with so many other more distracting other new things…

My addiction to information, is like a binge eater…. Who has to go throw up after a food session. They must purge.

So this new year- I am choosing to fast new information for a while. Ill have to pick a length of time, and give myself some boundaries and guidelines with this new quest.

The quest to NOT learn anything new. (school and welding doesn’t count… because I have to learn school stuff…) but all the other stuff I chose to put in my mind. As they say garbage in, garbage out.

This goes for food, and information.

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Its been a few days- I don’t like sitting on my writing for this many days- it often gets over edited and loses it’s rawness. However, just an update… The order of difficulty of my new 3 goals- is in the exact order I wrote them in.

1– so freaking easy.

2- more difficult- and I have eaten less garbage than before, but still having my weak moments.

3- proving to be the most difficult of all my goals.

~Signing off my loves. Thanks for being here with me.