The Human Need for Connection and Love

This is a story about-Things we do for love. Attachment styles. 12 step groups, Cocaine and more...

Back in about 2007, when I was in my mid to late 20’s I was working and living in the bustling growing city of Austin Texas. I had a busy life of school, work, and motorcycles… trying to balance my social life. Flirting with the girls at work. ( I had a real crush on Cecelia Gomez… one of my younger- than- me- supervisors! I don’t know what it was. I just freaking adored her. She was straight, and now has a family with the guy she was with back then.. But I still adored her. I couldn’t help it. It felt … I don’t know. Chemical. Shout out to Cecelia if you are out there. I am sure you have loads of cute babies.

I was working at a popular grocery store chain called HEB in Texas. It was the ‘bigger and better’ alt–Walmart in the great state of Texas- and everyone shopped there. Still do. I would ride my honda shadow VLX 600 motorcycle to work every single day. I had access to a car- but didn’t need one. I love the money saving aspect of riding a bike. It was hot out- so it felt amazing to fly up the I-35 freeway… One of the longest connecting freeways in the US. It goes from Mexico to Canada I believe. A major major throughway.

Anyway.

I had started dating a girl named Emily- I had met her at a party— whom I later ended up dating for a short 18 months— but this girl had a huge impact on my life. She helped me get real with myself- showed me healthy family connection, she was a hard working and a Taurus- Cute, drummer, skater girl… worked as a barista at Whole Foods.. We had like 30% discounts— at the main mothership whole foods in downtown Austin!

I loved emily. I LOOOOVED her. She to this day was one of my favorite girlfriends. even though our relationship was brief.

Early on in the relationship- we had a very short stint of partying, and drinking too much. I mean only the first 3 weeks— we both were in party mode. Me with my motorcycle club, and 20 something- i dont give a fuck - about anything life back then. ..

( I did of course want to take over the world as a wealthy real estate mogul— but back then, I was just studying real estate, and working in a very low paying job— so it was just a dream). Outside of work, I was basically just barely waking up. To adulthood that is.

I was focused on my love relationships, and I had walked away full stop from my faith at this time. Then Emily came along. The most important thing she brought into my life is this need for sobriety. I didn’t think I was an alcoholic— not even close, but I was drinking almost 4 nights a week, and was doing very stupid things while drunk, and getting myself into really stupid situations…. so after a huge event I wrote about in a former blog— I had a ‘come to Jesus’ moment…

I don’t know if I wrote about the part where— the morning after this sexual assault- I couldn’t cope with what had just happened… I smoked my normal morning bowl… and for the first time— (and the last thank god) I thought it would be a good idea to take a little bump of some cocaine I had bought from a guy at my grocery store. I can’t remember his name.. just what he looked like. He was a supervisor. Short, round, cheerful latino guy… everyone loved him. Maybe his name was Lee or something to this effect. I had bought “an 8 ball”. I don’t know how they measure this stuff. It was the first and only time I had ever purchased cocaine— and I don’t really remember why— but I think it had something to do with a motorcycle camping trip I had. Where there was a lot of booze and bullshit. I wanted to be prepared I guess.

This wasn’t me. It wasn’t my personality. Good girl— Christian, virginal lesbian tries to act cool, and fails miserably…

I had only recently met Emily like a week before the big motorcycle 3 day camping trip, and so we were talking.. but not super serious yet.

So this fateful morning, after the sad situation of me drinking too much the week after the camping trip— I had all this left over alcohol and drugs on me. I didn’t have any idea why my inclination was to just make sure we drank it all. Very childish thing to think and do… Anyway— the next morning. I was very very upset with myself. I blamed myself for the assault. I thought— if I wasn’t drunk, this wouldn’t have happened. I could have fought the guy off or something. I could have karate chopped his tattooed up neck.. or thought to run out the front door— instead of room to room telling him NO!, –I could have bolted out the front door! Why didn’t I think of this?

So that following morning. I smoked a morning tiny bowl. I thought… well I have to work today- so why don’t I make it a fun day at work.. I did a tiny line of coke. (yeah… great idea Marita)

I remember doing this very very clearly. I remember feeling like I just wanted to be numb. I just wanted last night to go away. I then changed into my work clothes, packed my backpack, and jumped on my motorcycle just like I did everyday. I had only taken a little of each substance, and I thought I was fine.

About 3 exits up- around 65 miles per hour on my bike…suddenly my hands and my face started to go absolutely, completely numb. Like so numb I couldn’t control my bike. So I quickly took the next exit, pulled off onto a side road- parked my bike… barely. I couldn’t get my helmet off, and my hands didn’t work. It was like they were completely asleep. Like disconnected from my body somehow. My head was buzzing, and it was like my whole body had the sensation when one of your limbs goes to sleep when you sleep on it wrong.. this is what it felt like, only over my entire body.

There I was on some side road from a main exit off I-35 on my way to work, and I couldn’t make it. I managed to get my gloves off, and one finger, or knuckle at a time I typed a text to my friend Liz, who was with me the night before.. It was her “new boyfriend” who had assaulted me. I got the words. “HELP ME” texted to her.

I think she called me. I was able to pick up— I quickly told her I was stranded by the road, I would be late to work, and to come pick me up.
I was good friends with our store director at the time- she and I were in the same motorcycle club, so Liz getting the boss's permission to leave work and come rescue me was super easy..

Liz came to pick me up, I left my bike— and I layed in Liz's truck the whole way to work. Numb. PHYSICALLY numb. Mentally and emotionally— I was in shock from the night before, and told Liz all about it. She of course— LIke I mentioned in the last blog- dumped this guy… while I slept through the first part of work. Not clocked in of course.

This day will never be forgotten. It was what I think to have been some kind of cocaine overdose but I am not sure. The combination of the vibration from my handlebars on my bike, plus the weed, plus the other drug— it messed up my ability to drive. Then I did something NO PERSON HAS EVER DONE IN THE HISTORY OF DRUGS. I gave the coke back to the guy I bought it from. I said get this shit away from me. No- I don’t want my money back.. Just take it.

That week was fraught with deep thoughts, and confessions to my new girlfriend Emily, phone calls to my good friend and spiritual director at the time— telling me I need to be honest with Emily about that night, and what had happened and why.

So I did. I listened— and Emily broke up with me. She was not going to be with someone who is going to cheat on her, and get blackout drunk…

Little did I know, that she had a background with drinking too much— so for her it was a huge red flag. I didn’t like that I was the red flag. I had never been the red flag before. I was the catch. Not the red flag. I was like the tall, cute lesbian GREEN flag. Not the red one…

I self reflected for a few days. Marita . What are you doing? Even though the drinking was literally for maybe a week or two. A month at the most— I seemed to have no self control with how much I drank. I didn’t know how to like … not get drunk.

This is probably from the first 20 years of my life never drinking, nor partying.. and I just simply didn’t know how. I didn’t know that you were not supposed to mix different types of alcohol together, or different drugs together. I was naive, and stupid.

Here I was. 27, this girl I really really liked broke up with me 3 weeks into our relationship, and my “director” was disappointed in me, and the path I seemed to be on… I was disappointed with myself as well. This is not who I wanted to be. I wanted to be Green Flag Marita. The one who works towards self improvement, not self destruction.

So- I called Emily, and I told her— that I was going to AA. I went to my first meeting, and got a sponsor that first day. I stood up, told my story about the cocaine and the motorcycle— and someone found me after the meeting- and BAM.. .there I was . Within the hour, I had committed to sobriety, and had a sponsor.

I think Emily was impressed. She also went straight to AA- and got herself sober, and a sponsor as well. Then the two of us got back together. It was the wrong reason to go to AA- (to get a girl) but it had a very good impact on my life. I attended meetings everyday. I loved it. It felt like church that you could say FUCK in. There were meetings every night all over the city. I had at least 7 different meetings I loved to go to. So many new friends. Gay friends, straight friends… I went to CA- Cocaine anonymous, I went to MA- (marijuana anon)- and In a big city- there was just about every kind of meeting you could think of.

I loved these 12 step groups. Self reflection junkie, who missed her churchy connections. I missed the community of church. I missed the way it felt to make deep emotional connections with other human beings. I wanted to be close to people like I felt in highschool. How I was very very close to my youth group through school. We would cry together, tell each other everything.. grow. Change… all the things little Marita loved.

It was the best thing I had ever done at that age. Emily and I were sober together for the next 18 months. The longest solid AA level stretch of sobriety for me to have no alcohol at all in my life. It was sunny all the time… My bike, my goals, all my new friends… we were all sober. What was not to love about this.

I distinctly remember one AA meeting in particular. It was a new meeting. I think it was at a college campus somewhere. The location is vague, but the room I remember.

They would always turn the lights out and have candles on.. it was a queer meeting which is basically a safe place for LGBT people and whoever wanted to come. Two things stood out to me about this meeting.
One- the first 5 people.. I shit you not… were named MIKE. Michael, Mike. Mike and Mikey and another Michael. I was the 6th person to raise my hand and I said… “MY Name is NOT mike– and I am sober”… blah blah blah…

The second thing in that meeting, I remember, was some gay guy with loads of sobriety who told his story, and he said that some of the best advice he had ever gotten from someone in his life, was “ Michael, What OTHER people THINK of you.. Is NONE of your FUCKING business.”

Emphasis on the fucking word. I think he said it again. Michael.. what other people think of you, or about you… is NONE of your FUCKING business.

I thought about that. I sat with these thoughts through the whole meeting.

I thought about how that is one of the most important lessons we can learn as healthy adults. I often worried about what other people thought of me. Do they like me? Does my boss like me? Does the guy at the gas station counter like me? Am I likable? It was always very important to me back then to be well liked, because that is how I got my needs met. I felt love from my friends and family by being likable.

I learned at a very young age— that when you are likeable, “a good kid”. “a joy to be around”. “smart” “wise beyond your years” and a “great student”— then you could get your needs met. … all performance based things to say to a person— but these are the phrases that shaped my childhood.
This taught me young— YOU must be likable so that you will feel love and affection. This need to be liked has of course stemmed all the way into my adulthood.

The concept from the gay guy at the AA meeting had never occurred to a person like me. I had performance based love relationships.

Skip forward 20 years… I have been contemplating this a lot lately. How memorable that one meeting was. What could I do about this realization that I have received love my whole life this way. Making sure I perform so that my parents, and my friends parents loved me. It also tied into my survival.. getting work. Getting fed. and later having a roof over my head.

I needed to be not only liked, but also agreeable. Which leads me into the other aspect of attachments we have.

Anxious, avoidant, or securely attached.

There is one more, which is someone who is anxious and avoidant, called disorganized attachment. I can be both at times, but mostly I see myself as securely attached. I have healthy feelings of love towards myself. I knew that was loved growing up, this was always what I thought. My attachment style is secure. I loved myself.

What I hadn’t thought about so much— until the other night in the sauna, is that my knowledge of being loved, and more importantly liked… was simply performance based. I had to DO something to be loved. I had to “BE LIKABLE”. Which meant… not speaking my mind. Not arguing for some of my own boundaries. not speaking up for the things I needed, because I had learned as a child, that I have to do things for other people so that they will like me, and therefore help me meet my survival needs. Even down to that night with neck tattoo guy. My NO wasn’t good enough for him. He did it anyway.

Maybe there was something about me that made people know that I was “agreeable”. underneath all that likability I didn’t have good boundaries.. I didn’t even know that I had boundaries sometimes. And If I did- they were hard to find.

Where do I start, and the other person begins? My girlfriends, how much their feelings and emotions and life plans became my emotions, feelings and life plans. I did whatever I had to do to survive, stay in right relationship— don’t disagree with anyone, don’t have conflict, keep the peace… Otherwise— People might not like you Marita.

(the subconscious part of me thinks— If people don’t like you then you won’t get food or shelter) You have to be likable to have a job, make money, and be loved… To receive love from others- in a way, you must perform.

I think we all do the social dance of performance to get our needs met. We certainly do at work, and most of us do in a relationship. We do what we have to, to control our emotions, and “be professional” in some cases, or in relationships, to be “self aware”…enough so that you can operate within a healthy relationship.

I have always vaguely known this about myself. I have identified myself on this spectrum that Jordan Peterson talks about. The psychologist from Canada who most of you have probably heard of, half of you may even hate the guy— but his early teachings, before all the hoopla was really good.. I just love psychology and he is one of the best. I don’t agree with everything he says— or even half of everything he says— and he himself would praise that. He teaches us to THINK for ourselves… and for me, that means to have my own feelings, and points of view… to learn to have healthy conflict -even if it means not being liked. For me— I need to learn to be disagreeable.

If I am giving you push back— woot woot— praise me for this. I need to speak my mind. Its healthy for people like me. I am not a doormat.. I am too tall to be a doormat.. haha. But I do need to learn to deeply feel and think what I NEED. what I want.. I have put others first my entire life. Almost up until this present day.

I am currently focusing (my mid 40’s) on my own career trajectory, my own personal financial goals, property goals, education goals— for probably the first time in my life. Thanks Jordan. I have to learn to be an independent thinker. NOT believe everything they tell me in the media, or on social media for that matter. I question everything now. Even from the voices I love. I find fault in as much as I can. I turn what they are saying all the way around— and think— WHAT would the opposition think about this.. where can I poke holes in this statement, or fact… and how can I be willing to be convinced of the opposite. I try to think … what would the republicans say… not just what my former political party would say or think about things— what do the other guys say about this?

Being agreeable is necessary to form bonds on the playground, find your footing- but it's more important as an adult to find my own way now.

Learn to say no. Learn to question myself. Look at the other side of things.

Where am I looking to connect with people by being myself? Saying what I actually think and feel? Or am I just agreeing and confirming what other people think and feel, so that they will want to be around me?

Our deepest love needs and our deepest trauma from childhood will be with us all the way through this life. There is no escaping it. I wanted to write about our needs for connection and love today. I wanted to write about how we perform and guard ourselves, often trying to either avoid being hurt— or to attract a love or lover to help us feel worthy of love.

Our childhood has shaped who we are as adults- and this is to be examined if we are to grow. What kind of attachment style do you have? Are you agreeable? or disagreeable? Are you anxious or avoidant? or both.

I am hoping to find the self love inside of myself that is here because I am loved for being me, not for my performance. Love is not supposed to be earned. Love and connection is supposed to just be freely given I think. Which leads me back to the statement, what other people think about you is none of your fucking business.. “ It has literally nothing to do with you. You can’t be inside another person’s head!! NOR see what they see about you… so don’t waste your time worrying about what other people think about you. What matters is what YOU think about you.

When we love ourselves first, we attract other securely attached people- and form healthy bonds, healthy connections, and healthy relationships. Take a look at what you are doing for love and connections. Are you connected at all? Do you have family in your life? Given, or chosen? I have both. I have family in 4 places. Alaska family, Oregon Family times 2.. one where I live, and one that goes back 20 years. Then I have a loving family in Puerto Rico. I have been blessed with 4 family groups. Probably more.

If you feel isolated, and lonely- you have to be a good friend to have good friends. Find this connection, and make sure that your connections are not performance based. I am working on this.

We have a new moon coming up at 4:44 on thursday this week- (pacific time) This is a time for bringing in all the new things you need or want in your life. Ask, write it down, reflect- and create the kind of relationships you want. What do they look like? However much love you need- start to put that energy out there.. and start to love yourself first. Then others will be drawn to that self love. We can’t help it. People can sense when you are a good loving person…. OK marita. shut it. You are not a preacher. Just make your point and get on with it. Thank you Tony Robbins..

I hope this blog finds you reflective today. I hope this blog finds you loving yourself, thinking for yourself… and don’t listen to any of the political racket that is designed to scare you and stress you out… just focus on building better connections for yourself.

Cheers folks.

PS- Anyone know where Ceceilia Gomez is? #swoon…. hahaha.